Often I have dreams of my big white house with the big red door and blue shutters. My white picket fence that’s surrounded by all the red, white and pink flowers during spring time and the beautiful orange and yellow leaves in fall. At this point in my life I am nowhere near that, but if you’re like me it has often been a recurring dream guy after guy.
You think he is the one, and the next month there’s a new guy. For people like us it’s a constant battle. Always fighting with ourselves to stop looking and let it come freely like everyone keeps telling us to do. Of course we nod our heads, say they’re right and then go ahead and go home with the guy we just met at the bar the same night we got that lovely advice. Well this is dedicated to all the men I thought were the one. I’m sorry.
1. I’m sorry for moving too fast and expecting way too much
I often compare my loving to my running, fast. You know how in zombie flicks there are two different kinds of zombies, the slow ones and the fast ones? The slow ones are scary no doubt, as they are always very quiet and sneak up on you. But I always found the fast ones to be frightening because even though most times you can see them coming it also means you have to run just as fast as them. My love is like the fast running zombies and just like in the zombie flicks, it’s a problem.
I tend to over think and over react. After sharing so much care and passion towards men I then have the expectation that they have to do the same. Waiting by the phone for a call or text becomes my new addiction. Even though we have only been talking for maybe five days. Using the excuse that we’ve revealed so much about ourselves to each other already that we should be on everyday speaking terms. This is actually not their fault, it is mine.
Putting too much expectations on a stranger not only will stress them out but will stress you out even more because well, they are a stranger.
2. I’m sorry for having sex too soon
There’s this saying “now that sex is easier to get, love is harder to find”. I’m convinced I am the reason this quote was thought up. I would never consider myself to be a slut in any way. I’m such a monogamous person it’s a little bit painful. The reason I am apologizing for sex is because I am guilty of giving it up way too quickly at times. Whether it be on the first date, or even the first night we meet. Going home with men in hopes to fall in love and often falling into bed with them instead, still holding onto hope of happily ever after.
Sometimes it’s not their fault that they don’t call after. I could have not kissed them, not touched them below the belt buckle, and definitely could have gone to my own apartment those nights. But unfortunately most times I didn’t. If you relate with me then you know it’s because you were afraid. Afraid that if you didn’t go home with them like they asked and had sex with them as they most commonly expect, then you wouldn’t possibly find anyone that is actually going to be interested in you. You convince yourself almost every time that this is it. It’s him or no one. So you have sex, and it feels great because you’re passionate about it and it almost seems as if he is too. But you soon discover that he wasn’t.
3. I’m sorry for not being ready
Through countless efforts I have discovered that it is not you but me. I know that’s so cliché but I’m serious. It’s me. All this time I have been trying to convince myself that I’m ready to be in a relationship. A common expectation of mine for a man was for him to basically have his life together. A job, or in school with a vision of his life in the future. After many of the men I dated not working out I finally realized that I was a hypocrite in that I did not have my own life worked out yet, so how could I expect the men I was dating to have their life perfectly in line.
I was clearly not ready to be dating as I had not dated myself all that much. I was seeking someone to be there with me so that I could eventually do these so called things I liked and complete these so called goals I had. That is why I was failing at relationships and dare I say it, at life. I was no longer living, only alive.
4. I’m sorry for giving you too much power
When you’re like me and you fall in ‘like’ you tend to allow the other person to walk all over you. You’re so desperate for love that you put aside things that you know you don’t want to go through in a relationship and allow them to happen. You often give way too much power and make the men think they are all that you have got. Like when it seems you are the one putting all the effort to hang out and setting aside time that could be spent with friends but rather trying to spend time trying to see them only for them to cancel multiple times on you.
So I apologize for letting you all think you were the end all and be all. For planting the same thought I had in my mind in yours. It’s not healthy for either of us. When I give you that idea it feeds the ego and actually turns you into someone I eventually will end up hating. I have to work on allowing you all to know that I’m interested not only in you, but in the other guys trying to talk to me as well. As unhealthy as that sounds, it doesn’t let the ego consume you and allows you to stay humble, which is what we all need to do.
5. I’m sorry for not loving myself enough
Rupaul always says “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else” or something like that. These past few years I have been learning so much about myself. Making leaps over insecurities and facing fears I once had before. It convinced me that finally I had completed the task of loving myself which is what soon after assured me that I was “ready” to be in a relationship. I loved myself to certain extents. Finally accepting my body for what it was and seeing my life as my gold. That was my love for myself. But it is not nearly enough.
Over and over again I found myself trying to love strangers. Soon after meeting them I pictured our lives together in the future. This is how I knew I didn’t love myself. So many beautiful visions but I never gave myself the chance to want to experience these moments alone. The feeling was always that I needed someone there to make it real otherwise it would never come true.
How stupid does that sound? Convincing yourself that if you don’t have a special someone there then anything you dream of just isn’t worth dreaming. I had to stop doing that to myself. Stop trying to find all the love I needed for myself in these strangers, forcing them to love me faster than they should. Faster than most people really know how to. I shouldn’t have tried to make them love me so fast, and I should have taken more time to love myself.
6. I’m sorry you didn’t get to keep me
Most importantly I want to say that I’m really sorry for you. Yes, you, the man, or many men that I dated and didn’t work out. I’m sorry because I wish I had tried harder to love myself more before pursuing something so beautiful. I have come to realize that I am a beautiful human being. I give hugs so tight you would never want me to let go. My kiss is a sweet nectar that will awaken you. I would show you weird things and take you to unusual places. Surprise you with flowers and maybe a trip to Paris. The warmth of my body through winter nights would be more than enough that you would never want to use a blanket again. Or even seek another body. I would show you the morning, the night, and everything in between. I would make you believe that every other person you ever met was actually in preparation for me. So you could be ready for love. For real, raw, unconditional love.
So there it is. My apology to all of them. But, I would also like to thank them. Thank them for showing me that I wasn’t ready, that I often asked for too much and gave up sex too fast. I’ve learned that I need to slow down love with strangers and take more time to love myself instead. If it weren’t for all these lessons I would still be in my bed crying with the helpless feeling of being lonely. It’s not like that anymore. I’m now living for myself. Loving myself and allowing myself to want things for myself. It is no longer for them. Now it is for me. It is all for me.